I hate myself. I’m absolutely disgusting. I’m repulsive. I feel as if my presence is just putrid. I’m just a nuisance, nothing but a burden on everyone else’s life. I want to stand in front of my mirror and tear off my flesh until i’m just a pile of blood and scraps on the floor. I want to take my fingernails and gouge out my own eyes Oedipus style so I no longer have to look at how pathetic I am. It’s like I don’t have any real friends. Everyone single soul is working against me. They all want to see me fail. For some reason I even believe my best friend has been getting easily annoyed with me lately. I feel like everyone talks about me behind my back. Every passing smile is just a sinister sneer in disguise.The most awful feeling in the world is waking up and being let down that you didn’t die last night. Ever since I was little I believed I was going to die young. I’m not going to live past thirty. I used to have nightmares about being attacked and slashed to bits, but I could never see the killer. I now realize that those dreams were just foreshadowing. I’m the one digging into my skin with blades. I’m destroying my self physically and mentally. I barely feel anything anymore, I’m a wonderful actress though. No one knows exactly how excruciating it is just to smile. I need to feel something, anything. The only way I can make sure that I’m truly still alive is to watch the crimson draining from my fresh wounds. I can’t help but hope my entire world is a phantasm and I will soon wake up in a dark room covered in a cold sweat.
tagged as: depressed, depression, selfharm, self harm, suicide, suicidal, death, dead, sad, sadness, alone, lonely, me,